Sunday, October 02, 2005 - : ah....

back from a day at church and an hour at orchard!

retail therapy is such a double-edged sword.... you feel happy after you buy something, then oh so guilty after realising it costs a tad steep.

BUT WHO CARES...

in case you were wondering what on earth i bought, i bought a pair of pants from c.K!

no no no... not my store but the REAL c.K! and NO. its not some tighty - whitie - must - wear- thong kind of pants. its jus a simple (or maybe not so) black/subtle green pants: a DOUBLE TONE!!! im such a sucker for visual texture. :D

but before you cringe in horror, the pants is mostly black. HA. or grey. WHATEVER!

but anyways, as i was walking through the mall, i was thinking about NAMES.

yes, names. in fact, i was thinking bout naming my kids! muahahahhaa.... i must be psychotic to be thinking so far.

like, hello... i haven't even sat for my As yet and im thinking bout fatherhood. but thats besides the point!

so i was thinking how sad it is for people who likes the name Monica.

DON'T YOU THINK IT SOUNDS *insert adjective*?

i feel sad for such people...and their children who will be called Monica...

but i feel sadder for people with the surname Cheng who like to call their daughter Monica.

Monica Cheng.

i don't know about you, but it sounds positively salacious to me.

Mo-ni-ca Cheng.

if you read it slowly, it is actually a mandarin + hokkien comment which quite unceremoniusly translates as

"Touch your arsehole."

so if you have the surname Cheng and intend to call your daugther Monica, you have my sincerest condolences.

oh yes! and i saw a show called "____ ____ CRAZIEST VIDEOS!" (forgot the full title. bah...who cares anyway!)

and the last video they showed was a reporter getting pecked to death by,

HORRORS UPON HORRORS....

a duck.

well, Duh.

its something something CRAZIEST VIDEOS not something something YUCKIEST/BLOODIEST/WHAT-HAVE-YOU VIDEOS!

anyhow, this reporter was trying to build rapport (ooo it rhymes...) with a duck on a boat. apparently that was the most exciting thing happening then.

ANYWAYS... while he was petting and carressing the duck, it suddenlly POUNCED on him and pecked away at his head!

WAHAHAHA...

i can almost imagine the duck going,

duck: DIE HUMAN DIE... QUAK QUAK QUAK QUAK QUAK (sinister quacking) .... *peck* *peck* * peck*

human: ouch. OUCH! OUCH! get this bloody thing off me! (for your info, that was what the reporter REALLY said)

duck: FEEEEEL MY BEAK... *peck* *peck* *peck*


hahaha!


but inane entries aside, i am thirsty. going to get a glass of water. wait ah...



*gulp*




*gulp*




*gulp*




ah hah. well. on to more serious stuff. ladies might want to grab tissue papers. guys might want to. well. watever.

ready for my true story? of course you are... who ever said you had a choice? MUAHAHHAHA....

i once had a friend called Norwyn. He was a good friend; he was smart... well accepted... friendly and very tactful. just about every teacher in school knew him by name (not because he was infamous).

i knew him since i was primary 3. back then i barely spoke to him and we went to different classes when the year was over and we moved on to primary 4 (which was a really bad year cause my pri 3 teacher was biased against and sent me to the last class -_-).

it was only in p5 and p6 i was in the same class as Norwyn again, and because we took the same bus back home, we would usually go back together. yup... so while walking to the bus stop we would just crap as pri 5 & 6 students would crap.

then, we moved on to secondary 1. back then, i seriously had no idea what cca to join, and Norwyn signed up for drama. so being the mindless, tactless git that i was, i signed on to drama too (peer pressure?).

so the year went by fast... us getting caught up in drama... name calling... bullying (i so hate to use that word. make me sound so defenceless of which i assure you i was not!). sec 1 and sec 2 went by like any other, uneventful. stressful both socially and academically.

and throughout my time in secondary school, i never really associated with other people. mostly due to the fact that i wasn't very well like by the people in my class. until today, im still rather clueless as to why they hated me. but i attribute it to my inept attempts at being friendly and tactful and rather, came across as snobbish and aloof (and it didn't help that i was introverted).

so my only true friend was a bunch of people. they were Norwyn and Daniel (a bunch...wahaha. a pair sounds more accurate).

lets just say that our mental frequencies were in sync, and we 3 were mature beyond our age, for some elusive reason. so we were this insipid bunch of people with the exception of Daniel (since he oh so proudly proclaimed to have infiltrated every single clique in the class. pfft... ;] ). and the funny thing is, we sat at the corner of the class! haha..

as much as the two of them were my closest friends, i never really saw them as my best friends. i was never able to open my heart to them, to share with them my joy and sorrows. maybe its a guy thing? whatever it was, i felt alone, despite the fact that i had two of them as friends.

so i took our friendship for granted, well, to a certain extent.

then one day, as i was walking home with Norwyn, i don't know how, but we came to the topic of suicide. i just spoke candidly, never thinking much of the conversation. then he snapped his head in my direction and looked at me in the eye and snarled,

"I will really do it you know. I want to die. I want to end it all."

i was somewhat shocked. but being the proud idiot that i was, i refuse to be shocked, so i acted cool.

"for what... anyways, if you wanna kill yourself, must do it more glamourously... like, take panadol and brandy or something. Don't jump down from HDB block! thats so Channel 8."

i know i know... those of you reading this are most probably thinking what a jerk i am. a friend is suicidal and im here egging him on?!??! i definitely could have said something else. but i didn't.

then a few months later, one day, while i was at home enjoying my early SARS holiday, on the 1st of april 2003, i received a phone call from my social studies teacher at 2+ pm.

he was asking me the usual things a teacher would ask. how was i... whether i have been doing his homework... yade yade. then, suddenly, the topic changed a 180 degrees, and he asked me bout Norwyn.

"Er.. Chim Keng?"

"Yeah?"

"How is Norywn doing?"

"Er... Fine i guess. haha.. how would i know? why don't you ask him?"

"Oh, its nothing. Just asking... Alright then, I'll see you in school soon."

"Sir?"

"Hm?"

"Did something happen to Norwyn?"

"Oh no no no. I was just asking. "

then he hung up. and there i was, supremely bewildered. how did inquiring about my studies turn to asking bout Norwyn? something was going on. but i didn't think much of it.

Me saying to myself in my mind: "What, Norwyn kena SARS? Or what, commit suicide? WAHAHA... i just imagining things..."

since then, i forgot all bout it, and turned to my computer and began a game of MEDAL OF HONOUR.


3 HOURS LATER. time: 5+ pm.

*phone rings*

Me: "Hello?"

Norwyn's brother:"May i speak to Chim Keng please?"

Me: "Speaking.."

Norwyn's brother: "Erm. I know this sounds like a joke. But its not. Really. Norwyn.. Norwyn... He commited suicide."

*silence*

Me:"What?"

*Norwyn's father takes the phone*

Father: "Chim Keng?"

Me: "Hello? Eh, what is..."

Father: "I know this sounds like a joke, but it really isn't. It really isn't...."



and there i was, shell-shocked, listening to every single detail on the phone. the letters he left behind, right to where they found his body.

I didn't cry, because i couldn't. right there and then, i felt nothing. and for the first time in a long long time, i felt so frightened at what i had become. but it was later i realised it was me still in shock, and my brain was just protecting itself by coming up with some mental anaesthetic.

It all felt so surreal, from the moment i picked up the phone, when i set my foot out of the house, when i walked towards the Singapore Casket Centre, when i saw Norwyn's mother going hysterical and crying her heart out, when i saw his body lying there in the coffin.

so surreal. throughout the service, i tried not to cry. i made a promise to myself i wouldn't cry. i wasn't going to shed a tear in front of my classmates who mocked me and called me names. i wasn't going to let them see me broken. and so there i was, not able to sing a single note in tune when we sung amazing grace.

it was only when Norwyn's mother took my hand and said in the midst of her pained sobs,

"stay strong! Norwyn would want that of you..."

it was then i jus broke down. i couldn't stop the tears or the pain... if i could, i would have just sat there and weeped till the dawn broke.

i never felt so miserable, so rotten, so broken. i felt worse than a discarded lump of manure. even manure had its use. i felt so useless and just broken thoroughly. i just lay in bad that night. tears flowing down my face. i had nothing left. all my intellect, all my dignity, the facade i placed over myself to appear strong, the battles against Life itself, it was all for nothing. I failed utterly. i couldn't even save my friend when i could have.

just when i thought i had nothing left, when i thought it was all over, i remembered Him. the One who i blasphemed all along. Him who i hated when i was dabbling in witchcraft. Him who was at my bedside, crying with me and comforting me even though i hated Him.

and then for the first time in a long long long time, i uttered a tear filled prayer to Him.

"God. Just take my pain away. Just... take it all away..."

then i felt the love of the Lord filling my heart, my soul, my mind, my being. all that grieve and pain and regret, disappeared in the light of His glory, burnt away like an insubstantial mist in the face of the sun.

That night, i slept soundly, because i knew He was holding me in His arms, holding me so tightly, never letting go.




C.K blogged at 1:04 AM